No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
the Monday after daylight savings
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Whoa 😂