ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.