Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
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Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
🤣
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
set yourself free xox
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.