“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.