I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup