Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.