When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Brilliant!
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.