Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.