Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
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*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: