Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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I am having an out of money experience.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.