*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
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[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time