Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
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when there are deer in the woods
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
just pretend nothing happened
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
that lip filler tho
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.