ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
this is the news I live for
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.