Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.