• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon