It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with