Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
eggs benadryl
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.