Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.