Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…