Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
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Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?