Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Isn’t
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills