*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.