[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading