A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Still a very good boi….
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco