Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.