Watermelon Boss!
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?