*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.