Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
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i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
How can I say no to this ?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.