Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.