I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
This made me chuckle.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”