When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem