I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”