Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Day 2 of my diet
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Body by Oreos
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*