You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.