Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Meow
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
🙅🏻
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?