Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
You Might Also Like
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.