I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
whenever i wake up before my alarm