ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
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The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”