Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
😩😩😩
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*