in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”