Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Yoga Matt
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*