pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.