Livid.
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
This is the one
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test