* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass