Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*