*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….