yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
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Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Breaking news:
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”