Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
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Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Girl, same.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.