so, is there a mister shapen head
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
How I like cutting carbs
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.