What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins